types of relationships

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types of friends

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Casual friends: acquaintances, people that you know from school or work that you don't have deep conversations with.

Close Friends: people you might be more inclined to share your childhood stories, dreams, concerns about life, goals, and beliefs with.  

Friendship includes:
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• Loyalty
• honesty
• empathy
• reliability

The best way to be compatible with great friends is to be a great friend. 
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Check yourself and everything else will follow, hopefully, check for reciprocity.

Friends listen to each other and support each other, it is however, alright for a friend to set boundaries and ask you to not vent as much or talk about a difficult situation as often. 

You can go over what you are doing to resolve the issue or focus on self care and then talk about other topics.  One can become overwhelmed by a friend's problems; especially if they truly care and would like to fix everything but know that doing so is not possible. 

Share the time with your friends wisely, there are many other things to talk about and distraction can be a constructive part of self care.  Talking to a counselor can lead to the best support available, they have gone through training to know how to navigate difficult conversations.

Friends of the opposite sex: A friend can be of the opposite sex, this has been problematic in our history due to ideas around gender norms.  We know that people of all genders are the same and can share interests, world views and perspectives.  What matters is that you respect each others' boundaries.  It is completely alright for you to keep your friends if you enter a relationship, only an abusive partner will try to tell you that you can no longer speak to your friends, no matter what their gender is.

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dating

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​pg 148
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Infatuation: Intense feelings of attraction toward someone, a normal experience, we call it a "crush".

Many people meet up for activities like bowling or practicing a sport, dating often grows out of group activities. dating helps us learn more about the other person's personality, interests, abilities, and values, it is a healthy a way to get to know them better while staying in a public place.

Group activities can help you see how the person:
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• Interacts with others
• How they treat the workers at a place that you visit
• Or how funny they are

After a date they may decide that they would rather keep spending time with the group or that they would like to have both group and date activities.
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• It is important for each person to decide what relationship they would like to keep with their friends.
• They might not want to spend all of their free time with one person. 
• People can be part of a couple within a group of people and continue to have their group activities. 
• What matters is that all people involved have a say in what they do

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healthy relationship

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• A healthy relationship means that there is an equal distribution of power and control over what the people in the relationship get to do. 

• Healthy partners give each other options, and are flexible about activities, and topics of conversation.

• They decide on activities together and respect each others boundaries when it comes to moving forward.

 

• The easiest way to have balance is to go half and half on everything, you can take turns buying food or buy each other an equally priced plate, you could each pay for your own meal.

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• Sometimes people use buying food as a way to have power and control over someone else, a date might pay for dinner and then pressure the other person into believing that they owe sex in return for the dinner.  You don't owe anyone anything.

 

• A healthy partner will respect your decision about paying for your own food or ticket, they will not pressure you to change your mind, they might ask if you are sure one time to be courteous, and then let it go.

 

• In a healthy relationship all people involved are heard, and their questions are answered, open communication and straight answers are essential for a healthy relationship.

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• Talking about boundaries is important, if exclusivity is important to you then it is completely ok for you to ask your partner how they feel bout exclusivity and clarify what exclusivity means to you, otherwise they might tell you that they did not know that you had boundaries in mind because you never had a conversation about them.

• Sharing your philosophy is key: being able to talk about values, opinions, and the things that you wonder about and feel heard and safe is a sign of a healthy relationship.  

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• An unhealthy partner will constantly disagree or name call you any chance they get.

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​EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

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• It is healthy to start a relationship by building emotional intimacy, building trust in each other and a sense of comfort in being yourself.

• It is completely ok to not share everything with a new partner, you can share only what you feel comfortable sharing.

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• People of all genders have feelings and emotional experiences, sometimes gender norms close us off and make it hard to communicate our experience, it is ok for a partner to need some time to open up, it is still important for that open line of communication to exist down the line.  Sometimes abusive partners withhold their true feelings until you are more committed to them on purpose, it is ok to ask questions and accept that if someone is not being open with you then the emotional intimacy is not built yet and it might take some time, you might want to hold off on being increasingly committed to someone who is not showing up for you and connecting with you.  They might just not be ready.

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• It is completely healthy to share emotional intimacy without physical intimacy

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​PHYSICAL INTIMACY

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• Physical intimacy can be healthy, what matters is that you are making your own decisions and are being safe

• Use protection, it does not cover everything so there is still risk

 

• The risk of STD is very real: https://www.cdc.gov/std/

 

• Testing resources: https://nmhealth.org/location/public/

 

• Ask you partner to go get tested with you, this can be awkward but it is completely healthy and normal, if the person shames you for asking or feels offended then they might not know of the risks involved with sex, try talking to them about the things that need to be considered, if they still shame you then they might be hiding something or might not be ready

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• It is ok for either partner to stop the activity if they no longer want to continuenmhealth.org/location/public/

• A risk of physical intimacy is pregnancy, unfortunately many times the guy will not want to take responsibility for the new baby, it is common for guys to push for abortion without caring about the emotional and physical impact of this possibility

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• What matters is that is is genuinely your decision, that you know your resources, and feel empowered to change your mind

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ABSTINENCE AND CELIBACY

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• You can choose to wait

• Celibacy has been know to help with the cultivation of creative energy 

• It may help with refocusing on what you really like in the person without the distraction of physical intimacy 

• Set clear limits, communicate your limits, avoid high pressure situations, and be assertive about honoring your boundaries

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• This should be no problem in a healthy relationship

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it is never ok for anyone to force you to do anything.
​MORE THAN 50% OF RAPE VICTIMS KNOW THEIR RAPIST

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• Anytime someone ignores your boundaries 

• It can be physical force or via drugs that make you unconscious 

 

• Most of the time rape occurs with someone who agreed to be a friend and then took advantage of a situation

 

• It is not your fault, but the rapist generally tries to blame the victim

 

• Report if you feel safe doing so, many people do not report due to the threat of retaliation

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• Drugs are not an excuse for violent behavior

• Rape is a violent act of power and control over the other person

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• In a school environment there is a law called Title Nine that requires that the school be helpful in supporting survivors

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there are laws that protect you

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REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE VALUABLE, YOU DESERVE LOVE AND YOU DESERVE RESPECT.  ABUSE IS NEVER YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN ONLY TRY YOUR BEST AND HOPE FOR THE BEST

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victim blaming

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Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them. The study of victimology seeks to mitigate the perception of victims as responsible.
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it can happen to anyone, any gender

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DATING VIOLENCE

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The Cycle of Violence:

There is generally a three stage cycle:
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​Tension Building: 

• The person going through the abuse may try to prevent a violent outbreak by doing what the abuser wants, or reasoning with the abuser.

Violent Episode:

• The tension is broken and the abuser behaves in a way that leads the survivor to feel unsafe.  

Calm Stage: 

• ​Abuser usually apologizes and says that it won't happen again, presents excuses and expects the survivor to eat it all up and move on as though it never happened.   
• The abuser may subtly blame the victim for the abuse.

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WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

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• ​Person is jealous when you talk to others
• Makes fun of you in front of others 
• Makes all the decisions and tries to control what you do
• Has a history of bad relationships
• You feel isolated from your friends and family
• You feel less confident, you worry about doing or saying the right thing, you try to avoid arguments
• Any pushing or jokes about hurting you

Many movies show abusive behaviors as romantic. 
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• Sometimes we are taught that aggression is a sign of masculinity or that men are entitled to control women
• Sometimes we are taught that if we are not the abuser we will be abused

It is ok to break up with someone, you don't owe them an explanation, if you tell them how you feel and it is not helping because the person does not help, it's ok to just cut them off and surround yourself with good friends.

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grooming

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RED FLAGS OF ABUSE:
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SIGNS: HTTPS://STREETSMARTWOMEN.COM/

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resources

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https://teenlineonline.org/
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https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
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https://www.loveisrespect.org/
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https://www.fyinm.org/ 

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help
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https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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