Family planning, safe sex

9/19/2020

Family planning, safe sex

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How do we make decisions in this area?

What you do should be your decision.

We are influenced by movies, family, peers, religion, relationship partners...

When people have more information they are empowered to choose wisely.

There are some laws to take into consideration:

In New Mexico, the age of consent is 17 years old.
If an adult (an individual over the age of 18) has sex with a minor between the ages of 13 and 16, the adult may be prosecuted for 4th degree criminal sexual penetration.
Your status as a child is important to prevent exploitation

It is important to take risks and benefits into consideration to see what level of physical intimacy you are prepared for.

Risks of moving too fast:

A negative effect on emotional health
A negative effect on the relationship, what will the relationship be like afterwards?
Risk of pregnancy
Risk of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)

Benefits could be:

Feeling more connected to your partner, you can feel more connected through emotional intimacy too.
Feeling empowered to make your own decision

You can feel empowered to make your own decision by not having sex too.

Choosing celibacy is safe and autonomous. You can still connect to your partner by getting to know them better and doing fun things together like going on a hike or visiting a museum.

Emotional Intimacy

A couple can have a close relationship without being sexually active through developing:

Openness:

Feeling free to talk to each other
Feeling safe being yourself
Trying new things together
Building memories
Sharing insecurities
Sharing what you are each proud of

Sharing:

Stories of growth
Life lessons
Childhood stories
Hopes and fears
Dreams and goals
Skills and knowledge

Affection:

cuddling
Kissing
Hand holding
Being openly in a relationship, not hiding the relationship
Backing each other up, defending each other calmly

Trust:

Being able to share experiences and feelings without the person violating your trust
Being able to trust that your boundaries will be respected
Not having to worry about dishonesty
Not having to worry about cheating
Not having to monitor anybody's freedom

Abstinence Skills

Set clear limits, decide what your boundaries are before the relationship
Communicate your limits, a respectful partner will respect your limits
Avoid high pressure situations
Assert yourself
This is a great way to practice boundary setting and seeing if the other person offers respect.
If they don't respect you then you can see they they are probably abusive early on and can break up with them without wasting your emotional energy.

sex- Ed

Nobody should judge you based on a number or slut shame/prude shame. What matters is that all that happens is truly your decision and you are safe. Many people look back and realize that some of their experiences were the result of coercion and manipulation.

Unfortunately, sexual coercion has become so normalized that we stopped being able to identify it as rape, coerced consent is not consent at all.

It can be difficult to explain coercion to someone who thinks that coercion is ok, they might deny what they did, perhaps only to get away with it and convince you that they did not know any better, perhaps because they don't want to see themselves as a rapist.

Rape, Sexual Assault

A rapist can be a person of any sex or gender.

For sex positive consent look at this checklist:

Do you trust each other?

Do you feel safe together?

Can you talk about your problems and feel heard?

Can you talk if something is bothering you?

Do you listen to each other?

Do you talk about having sex and what it means to you or what you want?

Can you talk openly about what you want out of the relationship and your boundaries?

Birth control, if it is heterosex, have you discussed this?

Health status, are there any concerns that you need to share?

STI testing, and if there has been recent possible exposure to an STI.

Sexual activity level, if you want a monogamous relationship, or they want multiple partners, it is ok to have any form of agreement as long as all parties involved are informed and feel that their decisions are respected.

Do you feel you need to have alcohol or drugs to have sex?

Do you know how to use condoms and dental dams to prevent STIs?

Do you both want to do it? Do you both feel ready to do it?

Is anybody pressuring anybody?

All partners need to have equal say in what is going on.

An equal share of power and control in the relationship.

Consent is vital

Sex without consent is rape

Sexual contact without consent is assault or rape

Rape is not something that necessarily/or usually happens with a stranger

It is usually very subtle and starts with someone that you know and trust, we think of it as violent or physically restraining.

A "friend" might objectify you and see you as a toy or person that is just there for sexual gratification.

Your feelings and values might not matter to them at all, they are not a real friend :(.

There could be an unfortunate lack of empathy, recognizing this can be painful, also lifesaving.

It can be inappropriate touching that activates a natural body response, if you did not want this to begin with it can be confusing and make you wonder if you want it now.

Listen to yourself to reflect on your intent in the interaction, if you were not interested in sex then you might be experiencing manipulation or coercion.

The perpetrator may use pressure manipulation, drugs, alcohol, and force, or "seduction" to get the person to cross the boundaries of the relationship.

Is essential, not a favor, or a sign of a particularly good person

Sex is never owed, it does not matter if you have had sex before, if the bought you a gift or dinner, even if you are naked.

You always have the right to revoke consent, a healthy partner will respect this

If you feel that the relationship has changed, it needs to be ok to have a conversation about what changes you have noticed without feeling shamed or invalidated

No means No

Things rapists say

TO get you isolated (these are not always said with bad intent)

Let's Netflix and Chill
Let's play videogames at my house
Let's watch a movie
Let's study in my dorm
Let's go on a trip somewhere
Can I walk you to your car? (and the cross your boundaries)
Let's walk to the party, it is not so far, leave your car here.
I need to get something from my room real quick, want to come?
Invited you to a party, but did not invite anyone else

To justify rape/ coercion

One thing led to another

Once I start I can't stop
I can't kiss someone without wanting more
I am just seducing you
Some people just have a stronger sex drive
Don't you like being dominated?
This is my role in the relationship
I thought "no" meant yes
People don't usually mean it when they say "no"
You led me on by dancing
You led me on by making eye contact
You led me on by dressing that way
The way that you are dressed tells me that you want a certain kind of attention
I will have blue balls if you don't help me
Friends are supposed to be there for each other
If you really cared, you would help me with my sexual needs
If you are adults: "We are both adults aren't we" (being an adult does not mean you Automatically consent
You are playing hard to get
Are you always this sexually conservative?
Are you a prude?
You are a prude
You are uptight
You are close minded
Oh, you're one of those
Relax
I am not used to having to work this hard
Don't make me make you
Accepting your no, and then asking again
"So, that is why people have had to rape you"

After raping

I did not know it was wrong
You call that rape?
You're suggesting I'm a monster
This is not rape and you must be traumatized by a previous experience or story. (if you feel violated there is a reason)
I feel so ashamed I thought I was better
You are not allowed to bring it up again.
I did not know I was like this, you brought out this side of me
Telling you that they are sad and need your support
I thought you wanted it too
Am I really that ugly or unattractive?
This is the only way I know how to get sex.
People who are rejected often resort to this because they have needs.
Did you not like the sex?
Do you still think I'm cute?
I thought we were friends, that is what friends do for each other.
I feel rejected
I was taught that this was normal
This is all I know
I did not mean to hurt you but I will say sorry anyways just because I care about you
I did nothing wrong, I was just following my heart, but if it means anything, sorry
There is nothing wrong with two people who consent to engage in sexual activity (even though you are trying to communicate about how it was not consent)
I won't do it again
I did it with a lot of love
I can see why people have had to rape you

If you want to leave them because they raped you

You are overreacting
You're so sensitive
This is a natural need, you are here to fulfill that need
That is all it takes to lose you?
You don't know how to love if you are willing to break up with someone that easily.
It was just one time
Everyone deserves a second chance
Most people don't speak out about this
Most people would stay
Insults and name calling
Threats to spread rumors about you
Saying that you actually raped them

If it does not feel right, just leave, you don't owe an explanation, In a healthy relationship all people involved are free to go at any time.

If you give someone another chance and they continue to be abusive, it is not your fault. If it was a learned behavior they can choose to change. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse.

Why is it important to talk about this?

Rape culture a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. We are breaking away from this, the myth of being "stuck in our ways" has been dismantled, people are constantly evolving, evaluating, and changing. People can change themselves, when they want to.

Rape can happen to anyone, we do have some normalized phrases and attitudes that normalize the rape of women by men.

Examples of Rape Culture:

Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
Sexually explicit jokes
Tolerance of sexual harassment
Inflating false rape report statistics
Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
Pressure on men to “score”
Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape

https://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture/

According to current statistics:

One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives: https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics

Rape is under reported due to shame, lack of consequences, and retaliation for reporting on behalf of the rapist.

Some people think that other people are just there to use for sex and prefer to keep them around as "friends" so they can use them whenever they want, so many rapists keep victims around as friends.

Since rape is about power and control, the rapist makes sure that they have a sense of power and control over the victim before raping, it could be reminding a woman that men are stronger to make sure that the woman believes that they cannot fight their way out of rape.

One can fight their way out of rape, and also, should never have to.

Rape is not about love, it is about power and control, manipulation, and coercion.

It is active oppression.

You deserve to make decisions about sex on your own volition.

Follow your intuition and trust yourself.

Many abusive partners start the relationship with sexual coercion

Getting away from a rapist may mean having to find new friends, if the friends want to keep the rapist around. You may need to stay at home to avoid a dangerous person.

Not all social circles accept rapists; a healthy community will talk to the rapist and clarify that the behavior is violent, they may refer them to resources such as articles about rape, most of the time the rapist is completely aware that what they are doing is wrong because they were raised to believe they are entitled to do what they did. A healthy community will ask rapists to stay away.

You deserve a safe community that cares about consent.

It is not right for people to tell you that it is your job to set boundaries and tolerate the community rapist, people who say that are justifying rape and creating a community that is rapist friendly.

People who say "just set boundaries and tell people to f off" usually experience privilege and are not the target of rapists, they are usually men who are blind to their privilege

It is great to know how to set boundaries, if a person is a rapist then they are dangerous, the danger can escalate so it is not up to you to set boundaries to stay safe

Nobody should be hurting you in any way

victim blaming

Abusers benefit from victim blaming

Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them.

Culture is shaped by what we are taught to say in certain situations, most of the time we are programmed to say victim blaming things so reflecting on the things that are commonly said to survivors is very important.

Here are some examples of victim blaming lines:

What did you expect?
Did you drink?
What did you wear?
Had you consented before?
Men get these biological urges to rape, they just can’t help themselves.
The victim did not say no (sometimes people freeze)
Why didn't you just walk away? (the violence could escalate if you try to get away)
Why didn't you fight or use pepper spray? (maybe you thought you could trust them not to rape you)
Why did you go to that place?
Why are you hanging out at a bar or club?
Why are you hanging out with people that have tattoos?
Why are you hanging out with people that dress like that?
That has not happened to me.
You are attracting abusers
You manifest your own reality and are attracting abusers.
If you had not thought about this you would not have manifested it.
You have "the look".
You look easy to take advantage of.
If you warn people about this rapist, you are violating their privacy.
The victim’s parents should have taught him/her warning signs.
The victim should have known what he/she was getting him/herself into.
In cases of underage perpetrators: The rapist is only a child him/herself.

Saying these things propagates abuse and helps abusers.

https://msmagazine.com/2013/05/28/rape-splaining-10-examples-of-victim-blaming/

What an unhealthy relationship is like

Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control instead of love and respect. These are some unhealthy behaviors.

Judgemental name calling, trying to get a reaction out of you

Play fighting to start normalizing hitting

"Playfully" being rude, to see if they can get away with it

Looking for your insecurities in order to poke at them

Lightly pushing you or pretending to hit you

Asking you where you are at all times

Controlling what you wear

Telling you to remove accessories because "they don't like them"

Not letting you see or talk to friends or family (isolation)

Trying to get you to move somewhere else (isolation)

Rushing the relationship and not respecting your boundaries

Making fun of you in front of your friends

Making fun of you in front of their friends

Not "letting" you do what you want, not supporting hobbies or activities

Not wanting you to go to the gym or be in a dance class because you might cheat

Not allowing friends because 'you might cheat"

Tracking you, even with a bitmoji

Asking for your address before you are ready to share it

Pressuring you to show them your home before you are ready or wanting to make plans to meet privately when you still want to meet in public places.

Wanting to know too much information about your family.

Telling you that your friends and family are against you.

Trying to be the center of your life and take all of your attention

Threats of suicide if you leave or go somewhere like a family gathering.

Asking you to use illegal substances

Asking you to carry or hide illegal substances

Trying to get you do do anything illegal.

Comparing your looks to other people's

Judging your body

Telling other people about your body

Privacy violation, opening your email or social media

There are many other possible unhealthy behaviors

What a healthy relationship is like

You feel free to be yourself

You can share how you feel without feeling ridiculed or shamed

You have not reason to wonder whether or not your partner will approve of simple decisions like what to wear

You make decisions together

You feel respected

You know you can leave the relationship if you want to

If you set a boundary you don't need to explain yourself

If you don't want to share certain information, like where you live or your blood type because you're not ready your partner just says ok

Your personal goals are supported

Your family is respected

Your culture is respected and not put down

You discuss the goals of the relationship, it is clear what the intent of the relationship is whether you intend to get married later on or just be together temporarily

There are no secrets

The person does not disappear for long periods of time and then not tell you where they went so it's a mystery and you're not allowed to talk about it.

You feel supported and feel you can be supportive toward the person

You respect them and actually like them for who they are

You don't want to change anything about them and they don't want to change anything about you.

A healthy relationship is an expression of mutual respect.

AFter you take all of that into consideration, you can reflect on safe sex

An important consideration is Sexually Transmitted Infections/ Diseases (STIs)

https://www.cdc.gov/std/products/infographics.htm

Kati Morton, licensed therapist, has a series of videos on Youtube

Dental Dams

One can get an STI from oral sex, or from lesbian sex, the world needs better methods for safe sex in this area, you can invent a new device

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/dental-dam

https://www.self.com/story/the-safe-sex-method-youre-not-using

Forms of Contraception

Plan B

PrEP for HIV

Pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) is a way for people who do not have HIV but who are at very high risk of getting HIV to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day. The pill (brand name Truvada) contains two medicines (tenofovir and emtricitabine) that are used in combination with other medicines to treat HIV.

Who is PrEP recommended for?

The USPSTF recommends that the following persons be considered for PrEP:

1. Men who have sex with men, are sexually active, and have 1 of the following characteristics:

A serodiscordant sex partner (ie, in a sexual relationship with a partner living with HIV)
Inconsistent use of condoms during receptive or insertive anal sex
A sexually transmitted infection (STI) with syphilis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia within the past 6 months

2. Heterosexually active women and men who have 1 of the following characteristics:

A serodiscordant sex partner (ie, in a sexual relationship with a partner living with HIV)
Inconsistent use of condoms during sex with a partner whose HIV status is unknown and who is at high risk (eg, a person who injects drugs or a man who has sex with men and women)
An STI with syphilis or gonorrhea within the past 6 months

3. Persons who inject drugs and have 1 of the following characteristics:

Shared use of drug injection equipment
Risk of sexual acquisition of HIV (see above)

Persons who engage in transactional sex, such as sex for money, drugs, or housing, including commercial sex workers or persons trafficked for sex work, constitute another group at high risk of HIV acquisition and should be considered for PrEP based on the criteria outlined above. Men who have sex with men and women are at risk of HIV acquisition and should be evaluated for PrEP according to the criteria outlined above for men who have sex with men and heterosexually active men.

Transgender women and men who are sexually active may be at increased risk of HIV acquisition and should be considered for PrEP based on the criteria outlined above. Transgender women are at especially high risk of HIV acquisition. The CDC estimates that approximately one-fourth of transgender women are living with HIV, and more than half (an estimated 56%) of black/African American transgender women are living with HIV.4 Although trials of PrEP enrolled few transgender women and no trials have been conducted among transgender men, PrEP has been shown to reduce the risk of HIV acquisition during receptive and insertive anal and vaginal sex. Therefore, its use may be considered in all persons (cisgender and transgender) at high risk of sexual acquisition of HIV.

More partners= higher risk

https://www.uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org/uspstf/document/RecommendationStatementFinal/prevention-of-human-immunodeficiency-virus-hiv-infection-pre-exposure-prophylaxis#bootstrap-panel--3

We have good reason to want to know people on a deeper level before we become more intimately involved