Compendium of Items of Importance

12/16/2018

Compendium of Items of Importance

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health class compendium?

Compendium: a collection of concise but detailed information about a particular subject

We have made it to the end of the semester, I am proud of each of you for maintaining the focus to make it to this point, for most of you this is your first year in high school and the transition is noteworthy.

In this health class we covered many important topics that can help us stay healthy, please look at the previous posts to review the information.

Please remember to take charge of your own education. The state standards are easy, basic, you will might want to hold yourself to a higher standard. They don’t want to bug us more than they need to over at the state, educators believe that students learn more outside of the classroom and see the EOCs as super easy, common sense, basic material.

Read at home, stay up to date on issues of social justice or anything that you care about, question everything. Education is how we solve problems; we learn about the problems and then see what we can do to stay focused on solutions. Everyone needs this. The more educated you are the more you can help your community, your family, and yourself by connecting the dots after questioning everything, you will be a natural problem solver.

It might not translate into money, it might only translate into peace and health.

In this post you will find some highlights and some statistics that might scare you; awareness can help us prevent many issues and the escalation of dangerous dynamics.

If you see a sketchy dynamic, I don’t propose you try to fix it, I propose you walk away from it and put your energy into whatever is working out well for you.

We only have control over ourselves and our decisions, our decisions are based on our values and justifications.

Break down the reasoning behind every action that you take, you will realize that all other people can do it too.

Sometimes we need therapy, get the therapy, question even what your therapist says, you are the expert of your life and people are there to help and support you. It is wise to take feedback from others after questioning, reflecting, and figuring out who you trust.

If you hurt people and can’t stop, if you feel you can’t control your urge to hurt others, let the people know so they can stay away or see you only in certain situations. Care about their safety.

Sometimes the best people believe that they are the worst.

There is always hope for the unpacking and unlearning of habits that damage your relationships; it is in our best interest to treat other people with dignity and respect.

A Certified Professional Counselor or Psychologist can help us unpack the dynamics.

We also have access to free Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbooks online:

https://www.beckinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Worksheet-Packet-Update-2017-NEW.pdf

What does it mean to treat people with dignity and respect?

Dignity: the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect, a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.

Treat people in a way that leads you to validate your own dignity.

Validate: to Support, approve, have evidence of [yes]

Respect: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Ask yourself what you respect about others, see the parts of them that you respect.

If you feel that you cannot treat a person with dignity and respect, don’t talk to them as much, set boundaries. You most likely have a very valid reason to feel the way you do. Either that, or see if your judgement is based on oppressive thoughts that lead to bias. Reflect on your [why].

If you have to talk to the person because you are in the same group activity or job, see if you can limit the conversation topics to only things that apply to what you are doing and only in front of other people.

The intent to get along with all people generally leads to positive dynamics.

If someone tells you that you hurt them, ask them what you did, listen with the intent to reach a shared understanding of the situation, validate their feelings, and propose a solution that can prevent it from happening again. This only works once, maybe twice.

People who care usually don't end up hurting others because they think of the consequences of their actions before acting and ask for consent before taking action.

Building rapport: Rapport is a state of harmonious understanding with another individual or group that enables greater and easier communication. We build rapport by caring about the shared experience, by listening to the needs and concerns of others and actively caring about their perspective.

When you care and they care, you all have a good team.

Boundaries: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line, limits on the types of conversation they can bring up, or how close they can be to you.

Reflect on different types of relationships or dynamics in your life and think of the boundaries for each relationship or dynamic.

We have different boundaries with parents, friends, teachers, strangers, people we are romantically interested in... unhealthy people try to cross your boundaries without your consent, this is what we call a [red flag].

Healthy Relationships and things that are generally good to know:

Your needs are just as important as the other person’s needs
A balance is needed to have a healthy relationship

It is important for you to be on the same page as far as the intent of the relationship that you are building.

What are you looking for?

Some people want long term relationships that can lead to marriage and children
Some want marriage but no children
Some just want sex
Some want company and see others as pets
Some want someone to listen to them talk
Some want someone to help them run their business
Some want to exploit someone else and make money off of them
Some just want attention
Sometimes people just want to use others for sex and then keep the “friendship” so they expect the person to keep offering the friendship that they had before and pretend then it never happened. If you did not consent to this, it is rape.
If you are ok with this and consented, and the age of consent laws are honored, then there is nothing wrong with the situation, but if you are hurt and are not allowed to express how you feel but are expected to stay as a friend, this is an abusive dynamic.
Many people find that normalizing this dynamic hurts their self-worth in the long run and feel that it is them having an insecurity when in reality their feelings are completely valid and they have been the victim of abuse.
When someone tells you that they are afraid of commitment, it is not your fault r that you were not good enough, they are simply afraid of commitment and it had nothing to do with you
Asking the other person about their intent is hard and awkward but gaining clarity can save you a lot of time and further heartbreak

Abuse is when someone does things to you, not with your awareness or permission, they use you. Most people that are abusive feel justified in their actions and are not open to learning why they are abusive. They feel so entitled to using you that they don’t understand why you complain or speak up about their abuse.

The person might lie to you about their intent so you stick around, they might trail you along, and let you think that you are on the same page even though you are not.

It is ok to ask your partner if they still want the type of relationship that you agreed on.
A genuine partner will gladly answer your question while an abuser will shame you for asking, call you insecure, change the subject, or pretend you did not ask through awkward silence.
Follow your intuition, in a healthy relationship you can feely speak and ask questions
Some people stay in relationships or years, waiting for it to get “more serious” or for it to “go somewhere”.
If you did not discuss the goals you have in mind then your partner cannot guess
If they lied to you about their intent, it is not your fault, it has nothing to do with you or your-self worth, it is ok to stop spending as much time with them or talk to them less. They lied to you and were deceitful so perhaps they are not very good friends. Anger will not help, the healthiest option is to move on and continue to love yourself.

We are ultimately in a relationship with ourselves, ask yourself how you would like to be treated and treat yourself in that way.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated when you are actively loving yourself

What parts of yourself do you like?
What activities do you like? Take yourself out to do those activities.
Do you like art? Work on art to make yourself happy.
What food do you like? Get yourself that food.

Remember that you deserve love, love from yourself and from others

If someone is not loving you the way you wish, let them know what you want, ideally a partner will ask you what matters to you so you don’t have to tell them

Pro tip: ask your partner what they want, learn what matters to them
If either person willingly and intentionally withholds what matters to the other, then it is an unhealthy relationship
Love is an action, the daily intent to show we care
We do nice things for others because it makes us happy and them happy
Others do nice things for us because it makes them happy and us happy

These are universal realities that do not depend on sexuality, sex, gender, race, culture, religion…

The idea that some people deserve more than others is oppression
Thinking that one person's existence is more valid than another person's existence is oppression
Thinking that the needs of one person matter more than another person's needs is oppression
Some people think that it makes sense to hurt you, and then apologize and then expect you to go back to the rapport that you had before they hurt you.
It is ok if it takes time to rebuild trust, and if what they did is a non-negotiable, a deal breaker, then it is ok to end the relationship
- Take time to reflect on your non-negotiables, your deal breakers, the things that you will not accept as part of a relationship
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your freedom to choose to leave after someone hurts you.
Abusers will ask you to explain why you are leaving because they plan to manipulate you into changing your mind, make you feel “too sensitive”, or shame you for feeling what you feel.
It is ok to be single and choose celibacy, we don't need to be in a relationship to be happy or complete
Nobody should shame you for having either many partners, or no partners
Safety is very important, weight the pros and cons, the risks and benefits
If people treat you poorly, you might be better off alone until you find supportive friends that actually love you and respect you, and that you feel inspired to love and respect.

oppression: prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control. Invalidating someone's existence or right to equality through the SUPPRESSION of educational opportunity, employment, access to meetings, or DENYING a share in the decision making process of a community

We live in communities of validated dynamics. Each community ends up with a range of expectations of human behavior, or a range of acceptable human behavior. If a member of a community is expressing oppressive tendencies, the community can help them unpack their values and justifications for being an oppressor and then decide the boundaries that they will have around that person.

If someone treats you badly when it is just the two of you, you can ask them to only talk to you when other people are around and let them know that they have no consent to be in a room with you alone, any time you feel that they are trying to isolate you, go toward other people. It is very likely that they will not mistreat you in front of others because they know that the community that you are in would not approve of their behavior.

Some forms of abuse are more socially accepted even though they should not be, examples include: calling people bitches or whores, homophibic language, transphobic language, calling people retarded, racist comments or jokes, sexist comments or jokes such as calling a woman a puppy or a pet…

Sometimes abusive people will actively participate in whatever so called socially accepted forms of oppression are available in their social situation.
Sometimes they will pretend to be socially aware and peaceful people, they will read up on the latest socially conscious information and use their enlightenment as a cloak or a mask.
One never knows what another is truly like, if you choose someone that turns out to be abusive, it is simply not your fault.

We cannot change anyone, setting boundaries will not change the person, boundaries create safety measures, in a healthy relationship you do not need to set boundaries to create safety measures.

Boundaries are important because we might be in school, work, or a social setting with someone that we do not feel would be a good partner and want to offset their advances.

Abusive people hide their socially unacceptable behaviors in public, only the person they are abusing gets to see their bad behavior because they know exactly what they are doing and will clear the space around them before causing harm.

They will put work into creating a situation in which they can cause harm. They might invite you to their home to watch a movie to isolate you knowing that it is hard to collect evidence of them doing harm.

Reasonable boundaries in a new relationship:

Go out in groups before spending time alone with that person
Ask about their parents, see if you can meet their parents
Go to public places like the movies, and not a festival in a place with no cell phone signal
Ask about their values, how they make decisions, what has helped them grow

Reasonable boundaries when going to an environment (a place):

Ask who owns the space where you are, if it is a music venue or art space, look it up online to find out who the owner is, explore to learn whether it is corporate, a chain, or a small local business
If you go to a house party, meet the people that live there, preferably beforehand
If someone is just taking you to house parties that you have no information about, it is ok to ask whatever questions come up
It is generally best to not go home with someone you just met, this has been greatly normalized in our culture, and nothing bad should happen to you, it is still a statistically unsafe thing to do, especially now with the rising incidence of sex trafficking
If something bad happens to you it is not your fault
Do not blame others if something bad happens to them as they exist in the world, it is not their fault if someone harms them, they went through abuse.

Abuse is about feeling a sense of power and control over the other person, abusers might become addicted to the sense of power and control and don’t mind hurting others, they feel entitled, the only thing that matters to them is that sense of power and control. They will cause physical harm, they might sabotage education and jobs, they might destroy cars, they might hurt pets, all to feel a sense of power and control, an illusion.

Boundaries: distancing yourself for safety, it is ok to maintain the boundaries that you feel you need.

If a coworker or other student grabbed your butt and you told your boss but they did not believe you because the corwoker or other students denied doing it, it is ok to keep a 6 foot buffer zone. Sometimes employers will tell survivors to “just avoid the other person”. You might not be in a position to move to another job or class due to lack of support or options. Boundaries are worth a try but it is not fair that people end up working in a hostile work environment that privileges the abuser, it is ok to tell trusted people what you are going through to raise awareness of the work dynamic and have more people keeping an eye on the safety level in the environment.

You can ask the person to stay at a distance from you and to please not talk to you. This all should not happen but unfortunately happens often, you deserve support and to be believed.

Title Nine/ Title IX in schools

Title Nine/ Title IX: Prohibits Sexual Harassment and Sexual Violence Where You Go to School: All public and private elementary and secondary schools, school districts, colleges, and universities (hereinafter “schools”) receiving any Federal funds must comply with Title IX. Under Title IX, discrimination on the basis of sex can include sexual harassment or sexual violence, such as rape, sexual assault, sexual battery, and sexual coercion.

What are a school’s responsibilities to address sexual harassment and sexual violence?

A school has a responsibility to respond promptly and effectively. If a school knows or reasonably should know about sexual harassment or sexual violence that creates a hostile environment, the school must take immediate action to eliminate the sexual harassment or sexual violence, prevent its recurrence, and address its effects.
Even if a student or his or her parent does not want to file a complaint or does not request that the school take any action on the student’s behalf, if a school knows or reasonably should know about possible sexual harassment or sexual violence, it must promptly investigate to determine what occurred and then take appropriate steps to resolve the situation.
A criminal investigation into allegations of sexual harassment or sexual violence does not relieve the school of its duty under Title IX to resolve complaints promptly and equitably.

https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/title-ix-rights-201104.html

Jobs are legally required to have similar policies that support people that have been harassed.

More attention has been given to workplace harassment because many people, particularly women have been leaving their careers due to lack of support.

Engineering is the most male-dominated field in STEM. It may perhaps be the most male-dominated profession in the U.S., with women making up only 13% of the engineering workforce.

Women make up 20% of engineering graduates, but it’s been estimated that nearly 40% of women who earn engineering degrees either quit or never enter the profession.

https://hbr.org/2016/08/why-do-so-many-women-who-study-engineering-leave-the-field

Oppression works by normalizing oppressive statements, they are usually presented as “jokes”

Racist jokes, sexist jokes, homophobic, or transphobic jokes are ways to normalize oppression. Not all people make these jokes. You might be surrounded by people who do make these jokes but this dynamic exists in pockets of society where people who so not agree with the oppressive sentiment either go long with the jokes, stay silent, or actively participate as beneficiaries of the oppression.

Entitlement: the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.
The fact (real or PERCEIVED) of having a right to something.

This word, entitlement, makes sense if say you paid into Medicare and have earned about 40 “credits” or “quarters” by paying Social Security and Medicare payroll taxes while working — equal to about 10 years of work — in order to get Part A services without paying premiums.

Unfortunately, some people feel entitled to the bodies and freedoms of other people.

They feel that they have a right to sex regardless of your consent, or a right to your time, or a right to your entire life as a matter of fact.

And that if you do not agree to them having this right to use you then you are taking their rights away.

People like this can seek therapy to unpack and dismantle the ways in which they justify hurting others and devaluing the life of their fellow humans.

People like this generally enjoy oppression because they benefit from it, so they are not interested in dismantling the ways in which they justify hurting others. They will deny that they even hurt others in the first place and tell you that it is “all in your head”.

If they do seek therapy it is usually once they have realized that everyone has left them and they need help. Even then, they might feel victimized by their experience and believe that people like to offer them love and then leave them in-order to hurt them.

They might believe that being financially supported by their ex was a way of sacrificing their independence instead of recognizing that they were financially abusing their ex.

They might think that their partner is pursuing higher education to make them feel inferior and uneducated instead of pursuing education to be better able to help their community thrive.

People that are going through the struggle of hurting others and then feeling victimized are not to be harmed, offer them compassion, do set your boundaries, there are more counseling resources and hotlines than ever before, and there is a higher possibility that they will recover than there ever was before.

People that do this might tell you that they need you to help them recover as a way to keep you around.

We all help ourselves, and change ourselves, when we want to.

If you discover that a person that appears to be a healthy partner now was abusive in the past and you feel inspired to give them a chance; it is not your fault if they turn out to be abusive. Make no excuses for them, believe that they have the ability to be good, but if they show you that they are still harmful to other people, it is ok to cut contact with them and only see them in highy public situations.

about sexually transmitted diseases (stds)

STDs are not always easy to detect with tests, you can get an STD even if it was just one time, people don’t always show signs and symptoms.

Condoms are a good barrier method that prevent transmission but they do not cover everything.

Dental dams are also a barrier method, you can cut up a condom and use it as a dental dam, a sheet of silicone, vaginal fluids can carry HIV and other STDs.

It is healthy to ask about recent sex partners and about the last time the person was tested.

ask if they are monogamous
ask if their intent matches your intent

In a healthy relationship this should be a normal conversation, without shaming anyone for asking. If the person cannot talk about how they prevent STDs then they might not be ready for sex at the time.

Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are the most common bacterial STDs, some strains are resistant to antibiotics, your previous exposure to antibiotics also plays a role in your body’s response to the treatment

HIV, Herpes are the most common viral STDs, there is no treatment that takes them away

Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP): Pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is a way for people who do not have HIV but who are at substantial risk of getting it to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day. The pill (brand name Truvada) contains two medicines (tenofovir and emtricitabine) that are used in combination with other medicines to treat HIV. When someone is exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use, these medicines can work to keep the virus from establishing a permanent infection.

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/prep/index.html
Consider the side effects, kidney damage, nausea, vomiting, depleting bone minerals

Post-exposure prophylaxis, or PEP, is a way to prevent HIV infection after a recent possible exposure to the virus. It means taking antiretroviral medicines (ART) after being potentially exposed to HIV to prevent becoming infected.

If you’re HIV-negative or don’t know your HIV status, and in the last 72 hours you

think you may have been exposed to HIV during sex (for example, if the condom broke),
shared needles and works to prepare drugs (for example, cotton, cookers, water), or were sexually assaulted,
talk to your health care provider or an emergency room doctor about PEP right away.
https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/post-exposure-prophylaxis

Common manipulation tactics

Giving you excessive compliments to boost your ego and then putting you down.

Doing something nice and then doing something mean and telling you that they are not so bad because they previously did something nice.

Getting you to do something for them and then telling you that you both equally benefit from the "exchange"

Asking you for money or to buy them something they want without having a dynamic of equal (or close to equal) exchange

Hurting you and then telling you that you must not know how to love because loving people make excuses for their partner and don’t give them a hard time

Telling you that they appreciate sacrifice, that love is about you giving your time energy and resources and you doing this proves that you love them

Telling you that they are better than another group of people, using an ethnic group or culture as the “bad ones” and their ethnic group or culture as the “better ones”.

Asking you to share your insecurities and not offering any support, people that do this will usually use the insecurity as a way to make you feel bad “to push your buttons” or “just give you a hard time”

In a loving relationship the person is not trying to give you a hard time, this is a red flag of abuse.

If you realize that you do this, simply ask yourself why, break down the values that are leading you to justify hurting others

Sometimes we think that our painful experience can be used as an excuse to justify hurting others.

There is no hierarchy of oppression, we cannot judge whether or not the pain of the other person is greater than our pain.

Just be kind no matter what. Peace is the key to lifelong relationships and networking that can help you grow.

Treating others badly can block your future opportunities, they might not want you on their team anymore, they might wish you well but set boundaries to keep themselves safe can you blame them?

ways one can hurt another

Not respecting sexual boundaries
Being rough: pushing you, grabbing you and hurting you, moving you around and putting you where they want you, throwing things at you
Saying mean things and then saying that it was a joke
Saying mean things about you to another person
Saying that you’re getting “feminist, macho, or philosophical” to dismiss what you said as a joke
Telling you that you are “pulling the race card”
Misleading you about the type of relationship that you are in
Telling you that they want a future with you and then dumping you as soon as they get to have sex
Negative comments about body parts, things that cannot be changed
Weight shaming, if they like you, if they chose you as you are, then they need to support you at the weight that you live with and not use that as a way to hurt feelings
Belittling the person's intelligence, pointing out all the things that you don’t know and ignoring all the things that you do know
Asking for excessive favors, asking you if you want to hang out and then it turns out that they just want you to do some work for them
Letting you think that they are interested in you, (perhaps by kissing you and asking if you want to be their partner), and then getting you to give them a four hour ride (or go out of your way in a big way), and then tell you that they just wanted to be your friend and you took it too seriously... and benefited from doing the activity just as much as they did.
Forcing a person to have an abortion
Strangulation
Pet Abuse
Financial abuse: expecting you to pay the bills or get them stuff

From The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:

Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
Hurting you with weapons
Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
Harming your children
Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)

Wife beating was made illegal in all states of the United States by 1920, it was not illegal before.

You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
Trying to isolate you from family or friends
Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
Demanding to know where you are every minute
Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
Punishing you by withholding affection
Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
Humiliating you in any way
Blaming you for the abuse
Gaslighting
Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:

Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
Holding you down during sex
Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
Forcing you to watch pornography
Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you

Sexual coercion

Sexual coercion lies on the ‘continuum’ of sexually aggressive behavior. It can vary from being egged on and persuaded, to being forced to have contact. It can be verbal and emotional, in the form of statements that make you feel pressure, guilt, or shame. You can also be made to feel forced through more subtle actions.

For example, an abusive partner:

Making you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions
Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
Reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
Continuing to pressure you after you say no
Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man”

Even if your partner isn’t forcing you to do sexual acts against your will, being made to feel obligated is coercion in itself. Dating someone, being in a relationship, or being married never means that you owe your partner intimacy of any kind.

Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.

Reproductive coercion can be exerted in many ways:

Refusing to use a condom or other type of birth control
Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
Lying about their methods of birth control (ex. lying about having a vasectomy, lying about being on the pill)
Refusing to “pull out” if that is the agreed upon method of birth control
Forcing you to not use any birth control (ex. the pill, condom, shot, ring, etc.)
Removing birth control methods (ex. rings, IUDs, contraceptive patches)
Sabotaging birth control methods (ex. poking holes in condoms, tampering with pills or flushing them down the toilet)
Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
Monitoring your menstrual cycles
Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
Continually keeping you pregnant (getting you pregnant again shortly after you give birth)

Reproductive coercion can also come in the form of pressure, guilt and shame from an abusive partner. Some examples are if your abusive partner is constantly talking about having children or making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them — especially if you already have kids with someone else.

Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner:

Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
Stealing money from you or your family and friends
Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine

Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on Facebook and other sites.
Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, DMs or other messages online.
Uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, foursquare and others to keep constant tabs on you.
Puts you down in their status updates.
Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return.
Pressures you to send explicit videos.
Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished.
Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.
Tags you unkindly in pictures on Instagram, Tumblr, etc.
Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you

You never deserve to be mistreated, online or off. Remember:

Your partner should respect your relationship boundaries.
It is ok to turn off your phone. You have the right to be alone and spend time with friends and family without your partner getting angry.
You do not have to text any pictures or statements that you are uncomfortable sending, especially nude or partially nude photos, known as “sexting.”
You lose control of any electronic message once your partner receives it. They may forward it, so don’t send anything you fear could be seen by others.
You do not have to share your passwords with anyone.
Know your privacy settings. Social networks such as Facebook allow the user to control how their information is shared and who has access to it. These are often customizable and are found in the privacy section of the site. Remember, registering for some applications (apps) require you to change your privacy settings.
Be mindful when using check-ins like Facebook Places and foursquare. Letting an abusive partner know where you are could be dangerous. Also, always ask your friends if it’s ok for you to check them in. You never know if they are trying to keep their location secret.
You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your relationship, even online.

cycle of abuse

1: Tension building. Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. …

The person blames their tension on a series or things and will at some point take it out on you, you try to calm them down thinking that this is your job
They might call you names or say mean things and then say “sorry, I am so stressed out”

2: Acute violence. …

Could be throwing things, breaking things, it could first be random things, not necessarily items of personal value to you, it can escalate to that
Can be hitting you or children or pets
Can be going out and driving drunk and asking you to pay for the aftermath such as bailing them out or paying for tickets
Can be coming home drunk and creating social disruption, disturbing the neighbors

3: Reconciliation/they try to cheer you up and make you believe it will not happen again …

They might take you out and then later remind you of how nice they were that one time when they took you out
They might buy your bread or light groceries and then later tell you that they feed you and provide for you. This is the time where they get their leverage by doing nice things that they can hold over your head.

4: Calm. …

Some survivors report feeling like they are “walking on egg shells” preventing the tension building stage from starting up
This leads the survivor to internalize the reason for that tension building stage and blame themselves for their partners’ behavior

Reasons that it is hard to leave abusive relationships: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

1. Society normalizes unhealthy behavior so people may not understand that their relationship is abusive.
When you think that unhealthy or abusive behaviors are normal, it’s hard to identify your relationship as abusive and therefore there’s no reason to seek help.

2. Emotional abuse destroys your self-esteem, making it feel impossible to start fresh.
Oftentimes, people in emotionally abusive relationships may not understand that they are being abused because there’s no violence involved. Also, many will dismiss or downplay emotional abuse because they don’t think it’s as bad as physical abuse. It’s hard for those in abusive relationships to leave their partners after they’ve continuously been made to feel worthless and like there’s no better option for themselves.

3. The Cycle of Abuse: after every abusive incident comes a make-up honeymoon phase.
Often when an abusive situation happens, it is followed by the abuser doing something nice or apologizing and promising that they will never do it again. This makes their partner minimize the original abusive behavior.

4. It’s dangerous to leave. Like, VERY dangerous.
Many times, leaving an abusive relationship is not only emotionally difficult, but can also be life-threatening. In fact, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post break-up. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving their abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship.

The best way to protect yourself if you are in an abusive relationship is to create a safety plan. For help creating one, check out our My Plan App.

5. It’s not just hard to breakup safely, it’s also hard to escape the cycle of control.
People in abusive relationships often attempt to break up with their partner several times before the break up sticks. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good. People in abusive relationships often attempt to break up with their partner several times before the break up sticks. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good.

6. Society perpetuates a ride-or-die mindset.
Those in unhealthy or abusive relationships might stay with their partner or get back together after a break up because they feel pressure to not give up, forgive and forget or “ride it out.” Pop culture glamorizes being a “ride-or-die” for your friends and partner, making people out to be in the wrong for leaving their partner. And while being loyal is a great thing, a good friend or partner would never endanger or hurt you.

7. They feel personally responsible for their partner or their behavior.
After a conflict, an abuser will turn the situation around and make their partner feel guilty or as though they are somehow at fault. This type of behavior is known as gaslighting.

8. They believe that if they stick it out, things might change.
A lot of people in abusive relationships stay in them because they love their partner and think that things will change. They might also believe their partner’s behavior is due to tough times or feel as though they can change their partner if they are a better partner themselves. Never stay in a relationship in which you count on someone to change their behavior for the better.

9. There is social pressure to be in a perfect relationship.
There is incredible pressure to be in a perfect relationship, and some cultures and social media only accentuate this pressure.

10. Fear of how others will react.
People in abusive relationships often feel embarrassed to admit that their partner is abusive for fear of being judged, blamed, marginalized, pitied or looked down on. For example, in some LGBTQIA* relationships, someone may stay with their partner for fear of being outed.

11. They share a life together.
Marriage, children, and shared finances are often huge reasons that people in abusive relationships stay in them. This dependency is heightened in relationships where one partner is differently abled. But there are also similar factors that affect young people’s decisions to stay in relationships, including shared friend groups and living situations.

There are lots of elements that influence a person’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship. And while seeking help to get out of these relationships is the most important thing, blaming someone in an abusive relationship is never okay. There is a big difference between judgment and responsibility. While someone might have used bad judgment by staying in an unhealthy or dangerous situation, it does not mean that they are responsible, or asking, for the abuse perpetrated against them.

sex trafficking

We still live in a world where you can tell your partner that you were sexually assaultedand they will belittle your feelings and assume that this is normal, that is not a sign of a good partner, if it happens to you, you are not alone.

Their lack of empathy and regard might even be a red flag of sex trafficking, this depends on the situation, taking you to a situation where you will be sexually abused and then ignoring your experience could be intentional.

Even if the situation does not involve sex trafficking, this event helps you see that you are not cared for in that environment, there is a dynamic of validation of the sexual abuse. Some people call this the “boys club mentality” or “locker room mentality”, there are many similar expressions.

Definitions:

Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another. When force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault.

Validation: the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable. Supporting the action.

Sex trafficking is human trafficking for the end of sexual exploitation, “Although slavery is commonly thought to be a thing of the past, human traffickers generate hundreds of billions of dollars in profits by trapping millions of people in horrific situations around the world, including here in the U.S. Traffickers use violence, threats, deception, debt bondage, and other manipulative tactics to force people to engage in commercial sex or to provide labor or services against their will.”

The number of human trafficking cases that Polaris learns about in the U.S. increases every year. Review our 2017 statistics fact sheet here.

More than 49,000 total cases of human trafficking have been reported to the Hotline in the last 10 years.
There is no official estimate of the total number of human trafficking victims in the U.S. Polaris estimates that the total number of victims nationally reaches into the hundreds of thousands when estimates of both adults and minors and sex trafficking and labor trafficking are aggregated.
Most runaway teens meet a sex trafficker hours after running away
Runaway busted for shoplifting leads cops to sex trafficker: https://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/runaway-busted-shoplifting-leads-cops-sex-trafficker-article-1.3747675

Statistics from a Six Year Study:
This is some recent research from Arizona State University:

(https://www.mccaininstitute.org/six-year-analysis-of-sex-traffickers/)
Women can be traffickers too
24.4% of the sex traffickers were female and they were younger than the male sextraffickers.
55.5% of the females arrested were identified in the report as the role of a“bottom” which is the most trusted sex trafficked person by the sex trafficker whomay also be prostituted, may recruit victims, give rules and trainings, and maygive out punishment.
Steady increase in female sex trafficker involvement
24% of the arrested sex traffickers had a previous criminal history, the most common previous crime was a violent crime. So over 75% of them had a clean record
The majority of the sex trafficking activities (sex acts) are in hotel rooms.
67.3% of the cases use technology (email, online ads, smart phones) in the sex trafficking activities.
Recruitment tactics focused on runaways; friendship, romance, giving a place to stay to the victim, and promises of money and wealth.
To condition the victims during recruitment, 18% of the sex traffickers sexually assaulted and 19.8% physically assaulted their minor victims.
36.7% of traffickers admitted to threats of harm and psychological abuse
26.7% admit to physical assault with a weapon
20.7% use drugs to control their minor victim
The average age of the victim when their sex trafficker was arrested was 15.5 years old
60.5% of the cases resulted in a plea agreement
- Plea Agreement: the defendant agrees to plead guilty or nolo contendere to a particular charge in return for some concession (helping them get less time) from the prosecutor.
24.4% of the sex trafficking cases went to trial
- 5% had their charges dropped completely
20.8% of the cases were identified through police stings
10.6% of the sex traffickers were denied bond, just 10%
Sentences ranged from no time in prison to life in prison with an average minimum sentence of 13.5 years in prison and 30 sex traffickers were sentenced to life in prison, over 6 years.
45.1% knew their sex trafficker
More than half of the victims were runaways

https://polarisproject.org/human-trafficking/facts

The most commonly used tactic is charm
Becoming your new best friend immediately
Might send someone else to lure you in, same gender or similar age
They walk up to you in public and invite you to hang out, they don't care what you are wearing
They generally pretend that they want a relationship with you and are good people
They might later let you know that they have another partner and are polyamorous (a healthy polyamorous person will tell you this right away so you can make a decision)
For healthy polyamorous information: https://www.morethantwo.com/
Coerced consent is not consent at all, if someone leads you to believe that you are in a non-polyamorous relationship and they wait for you to be emotionally connected to tell you, this is coercion, there is no excuse for this
Traffickers try to convince you that it is normal for people to hide this because it is hard to be loved as they are
If this were true about an actual polyamorous person, they are putting their needs in front of yours and are deceitful, still coerced consent, it would still be a red flag of abuse
You later find out that none of the people in the "relationship" are loved, they are slaves, and are seen as property, to be sold or rented out
They will tell you that prostitutes are more respected than other people
The trafficker will ask the exploited people to say that they choose sex work
They will offer you drugs to make it easier to make it through your day
If you become addicted to their drugs then you are more likely to stay, they become your “safe” source
Many times people are looking for housing due to lack of jobs that can pay cost of living and someone offers to “help them”
And then they are tricked into debt, they will owe rent for their stay, and work to pay it off
The pimp will sabotage their efforts to get any kind of job
They will be punished if they talk to anyone about what they are going through
They get drugged in their sleep and don’t know what happened to them
They dissociate from what happened due to the traume to them to protect their psyche
Sometimes traffickers will tell you that friends drug friends for fun
- friends will not give you drugs without your consent
There is usually an intent behind free drugs, they are not cheap, if they are cheap to the person then there is usually an entire network connected to that person that moves the drugs and “other goods and services” around
There is usually a death threat that is meant to keep the slaves in a state of fear
Walking away is statistically worth the risk, traffickers feel that it is a waste of money and resources to go after someone that already decided that it is not what they want and are willing to accept death. They make more money from finding a new person to exploit.
There are many organizations that can help with shelter and relocation for youth, less programs help adults.
Resources can be found through the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
It can be hard to leave these situations, many survivors end up telling themselves that they choose to stay and choose to do what they are asked to do by the trafficker as a way to cope with their reality.
Many work toward staying in love with their captor as a way to justify what they do.
There is Stockholm syndrome, and then an intent to buy into it for the sake of self-perseverance

Stockholm syndrome is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity.

case study

In Austin, TX for example:

The Texas Minimum Wage is the lowest hourly wage that an employee working in Texas can legally be paid.

Both Texas and the federal government have set a legal minimum wage - Texas's is $7.25 per hour, while the federal minimum wage is $7.25 per hour.

Many jobs pay $8 or $9 per hour, $10 is a “good job”
The lowest price for an apartment is $850 and you need to make three times the rent to qualify
You need $2,550 to qualify for the cheapest apartment in town, if it is available, there is a waiting list
You need to make over $15/hour to afford that apartment
Jobs that pay that do exist (The National Domestic Violence Hotline) is an example of such job, also ebay, Amazon, PayPal, Transunion, plenty of people have that money
not all people by any means
These jobs prefer a bachelor's degree, many require it
Many people look for a room to rent, many pimps are renting out rooms
So if people are stuck in this mess, it is not their fault
A report from the UT School of Social Work estimates that there were 313,000 victims of human trafficking in 2016 in Texas alone.
http://www.dailytexanonline.com/2018/07/16/human-trafficking-is-closer-than-you-think
“Human trafficking is the use of “force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act,” as defined by The Department of Homeland Security (DHS). This means victims of human trafficking aren’t always smuggled or transported — some live and are trafficked here in Austin.”
“While the issue is prevalent in our city, misconceptions surrounding human trafficking can make it difficult to identify. The media often paints a picture of affluent victims, suddenly kidnapped by strangers in foreign countries and smuggled across borders. This does occasionally occur, but it is far from the norm.”
Austin is not Las Cruces, but these dynamics can happen anywhere with rising cost of living and a shortage of affordable housing
More statistics are needed in New Mexico
More awareness can save lives
“data suggests as few as 2% of victims are identified and connected to the right care, while studies reveal that up to 88% of victims report interacting with someone during their trafficking experience who could have helped them.”
https://alliesagainstslavery.org/theory-of-change/

Many countries have legalized sex work

In eight European countries (The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Greece, Turkey, Hungary, and Latvia), prostitution is legal and regulated.

It is also legal in some parts of the USA

If one wants to do this for a job it is not right to shame them, they have the right to choose.

If the people that are involved in sex commerce are able to publicly advertise their job offer then interested people can respond to the opportunity.

It is healthy to analyze the reasons for the high demand and as questions about what this says about society:

Most escorts and prostitutes claim that 90% of their clients are married.
Could this have something to do with one in three relationships in the US being abusive?
Some justifications here: https://www.quora.com/Most-escorts-and-prostitutes-claim-that-90-of-their-clients-are-married-What-is-wrong-with-sex-in-marriage-to-lead-so-many-men-to-see-prostitutes
Entitlement to get whatever they want and expose their partner to possible diseases might be associated

Legalization increases safety for the workers because they are able to call the police for help if it is needed, they still have to watch out for coercive, abusive relationships with people that want to enslave them.

It is important for all people to have access to education that can grant them more options and freedom.

What human trafficking is...and isn't

Source: https://polarisproject.org/human-trafficking

Human trafficking is the business of stealing freedom for profit. In some cases, traffickers trick, defraud or physically force victims into providing commercial sex. In others, victims are lied to, assaulted, threatened or manipulated into working under inhumane, illegal or otherwise unacceptable conditions. It is a multi-billion dollar criminal industry that denies freedom to 24.9 million people around the world.

Myth: Only women and girls can be victims and survivors of sex trafficking

Reality: One study estimates that as many as half of sex trafficking victims and survivors are male. Advocates believe that percentage may be even higher but that male victims are far less likely to be identified. LGBTQ boys and young men are seen as particularly vulnerable to trafficking.

Myth: If the trafficked person consented to be in their initial situation, then it cannot be human trafficking or against their will because they “knew better.”

Reality: Initial consent to commercial sex or a labor setting prior to acts of force, fraud, or coercion (or if the victim is a minor in a sex trafficking situation) is not relevant to the crime, nor is payment.

Myth: People being trafficked are physically unable to leave their situations/locked in/held against their will

Reality: That is sometimes the case. More often, however, people in trafficking situations stay for reasons that are more complicated. Some lack the basic necessities to physically get out - such as transportation or a safe place to live. Some are afraid for their safety. Some have been so effectively manipulated that they do not identify at that point as being under the control of another person.

Myth: Labor trafficking is only or primarily a problem in developing countries

Reality: Labor trafficking occurs in the United States and in other developed countries but is reported at lower rates than sex trafficking.

Myth: traffickers target victims they don’t know

Reality: Many survivors have been trafficked by romantic partners, including spouses, and by family members, including parents.

Many domestic violence (DV) programs have come to understand the profound similarities in the experiences of DV and human trafficking. Both situations are rooted in power and control. Survivors in both are often hurt by someone they see as an intimate partner. Both can face similar cycles of violence. And both often face a need for safe, emergency housing.

Thank you for reading all this, I will always be here wishing you the absolute best, you deserve respect, trust yourself, let me know how I can support you in your journey!

Resources:

https://polarisproject.org/blog

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/200807/understanding-the-dynamics-abusive-relationships

https://alliesagainstslavery.org

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/prep/index.html

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

http://www.scarleteen.com/

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Trevor Support Center, LGBTQ youth
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/sexual-health/#sm.00000e0hlkvvr0dtnq5kfr83i3wws

https://www.morethantwo.com/

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

New Mexico Crisis Line, Suicide Prevention
https://www.nmcrisisline.com/

Sexual Assault Recovery Services of Southern New Mexico
http://www.lapinon.org/

Las Cruces Health Department
https://nmhealth.org/location/public/
Las Cruces Central
1170 N. Solano Drive
Las Cruces, NM 88001
575-528-5001 - Phone

Las Cruces Narcotics Anonymous
https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/text-results.php?country=USA&state=New%20Mexico&city=Las%20Cruces&zip=&street=&within=20&day=0&lang=&orderby=datetime

Las Cruces Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.nmdistrict4aa.com/meeting-schedule/

Stock investing:
https://robinhood.com/

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