why conflict happens
Emphasize you neutrality
things people say to make other people upset
Tell the person that you choose not to fight and are sure you can fins a solution
When to ignore a conflict:
Learn to control your anger
Confronting a person wisely
how being open to suggestion might not be best
Whether you believe it works or don't believe it works you are right
It only works if you follow orders.
The hypnotists started by getting people to do something, to check for compliance.
Question everything, make your own decisions.
It is ok to walk away from people who try to do this to you.
If someone asks you to stare into their eyes, it is ok to not do it.
what is education?
We are constantly reflecting on what education is, and how to have it foster autonomy and critical thinking, it is ok to question standardization and find ways to make it better.
We will only watch
Min 1 to Min 3:40
4:23 to 5:10
5:48 to 7:10
7:44 to 11:11
In 1821, Boston started the first public high school in the United States.
By the close of the 19th century, public secondary schools began to outnumber private ones.
ADHD is overdiagnosed. Experts estimate that 5% is a realistic upper limit of children with the disorder, but in many areas of the country, as Watson found in Virginia, up to 33% of white boys are diagnosed with ADHD. By 2011 several states reported rates greater than 13% among both boys and girls.
Ways to express yourself and build connection
Most people think about speech when they think about communication but there are many other ways we can also use to communicate with each other.
For communication to be effective we also have to be able to understand what others are trying to communicate to us.
from the ORGANIZATION love is respect
How to Communicate if You Are Angry
It’s okay to get angry in a relationship – everyone does at some point! What’s important is that you resolve conflicts in a healthy way. If you get angry with your partner, here are a few steps to take:
Communicating isn’t always easy. At first, some of these tips may feel unnatural or awkward, but they will help you communicate better and build a healthy relationship.
self defense techniques
some of our local counseling resources
A NEW HOPE THERAPY CENTER
Phone: (575) 556-9585
Address: 715 East Idaho Avenue Las Cruces, NM 88001 view map
Confidential Individual & Family Therapy Services for children (ages 2 and up), adolescents, adults and families. Play Therapy, Clinical Counseling and Behavior Therapy for Trauma, Relationship Issues, ADHD/ADD, Depression, Anxiety, Stress, Anger Management & Divorce Issues....
Address: 1320 S Solano Dr, Las Cruces, NM 88001
Phone: (575) 522-4004
Community of Hope:
La Clinica de La Familia
Call us! 575.647.2800
CRISIS Hotline: 844.622.7099
Southwest Family Guidance Center
755 S Telshor Blvd Suite 201B, Las Cruces, NM 88011
Phone: (505) 974-5890
A user suggested this phone (575) 524-6820
Health and Human Services HHS
Mental Health Provider Directory:
Las Cruces LGBT Support:
Turning Point Las Crauces
Health screening and birth control:
Community of Hope:
Alianza of New Mexico
To serve the needs of those in the State of New Mexico who are living with or affect by HIV.
HIV services, HIV prevention, and Harm Reduction.
1200 S. Richardson
Roswell, NM 88203
American Psychological Association
Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Language
Behavioral Health Research Center of the Southwest
The Behavioral Health Research Center of the Southwest was established in 1997 to conduct research on substance abuse and other behavioral health issues. Our vision is a healthy society where people make healthy choices and lead balanced lives free from addiction. Our staff includes physicians and nurses, research scientists, biostatisticians, research assistants, psychologists, as well as consultants and contractual employees. We also provide support and supervision for University of New Mexico and Highlands University graduate level students. Our comprehensive behavioral health services include clinical trials, research and consultation, program design, curriculum development, evaluation, training and workshops, statistical analysis and reports on research findings.
Casa Q provides safe living options and services for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) youth, and allies who are at risk or experiencing homelessness.
Center of Excellence for Transgender Health
The ultimate CoE goal is to improve the overall health and well-being of transgender individuals by developing and implementing programs in response to community-identified needs. We include community perspectives by actively engaging a national advisory body (NAB) of 14 transgender identified leaders from throughout the country. The collective experience of our diverse and talented NAB assures that our programs address issues that are timely and relevant to the community.
Learning Center for medical professionals, community members, and
Policy Reports & Best Practices
Community Against Violence (CAV)
TaosCAV offers a 24-hour confidential crisis hotline for people who have, or are, experiencing domestic & sexual violence. If you or someone you love needs help, call us: (575) 758-9888
We provide legal & medical advocacy services, counseling & support groups, children’s programs, community prevention and outreach programs, and are able to provide information & resources for those in need. CAV also has on-site an emergency shelter for adults and children, and offers short & long-term transitional housing programs.
All services are free & confidential.
945 Salazar Rd
Taos, NM 87571
Knowledge that can help with some of the Decisions that
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Pregnancy can happen 1 to 3 days per month
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making your own decisions about if and when to have sex
You are free to make your own decisions.
It is important to take risks and benefits into consideration to see what level of physical intimacy you are prepared for.
Knowledge is power.
There are some laws to take into consideration:
- In New Mexico, the age of consent is 17 years old.
- If an adult (an individual over the age of 18) has sex with a minor between the ages of 13 and 16, the adult may be prosecuted for 4th degree criminal sexual penetration.
- Your status as a child is important to prevent exploitation
- Effect on emotional health
- Effect the relationship
- Risk of pregnancy
- Risk of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)
Benefits could be:
- Feeling more connected to your partner, you can feel more connected through emotional intimacy too.
- Feeling empowered to make your own decision
You can feel empowered to make your own decision by not having sex too.
- Feeling free to talk to each other
- Feeling safe being yourself
- Trying new things together
- Building memories
- Sharing insecurities
- Sharing what you are each proud of
- Stories of growth
- Life lessons
- Childhood stories
- Hopes and fears
- Dreams and goals
- Skills and knowledge
- Hand holding
- Being openly in a relationship, not hiding the relationship
- Backing each other up, defending each other calmly
- Being able to share experiences and feelings without the person violating your trust
- Being able to trust that your boundaries will be respected
- Not having to worry about dishonesty
- Not having to worry about cheating
- Not having to monitor anybody's freedom
- Set clear limits, decide what your boundaries are before the relationship
- Communicate your limits, a respectful partner will respect your limits
- Avoid high pressure situations
- Assert yourself
- Choosing to not have sex
- Sex can be an addiction since there is a chemical reward similar to that of any drug
- Bonding with another can get you that chemical reward without sex
- Looking for someone to have sex with can take time and energy
- More time and energy for yourself
- You might be too busy to build a long term relationship and might want to not risk neglecting anyone
- Many people feel that celibacy helps them hold on to their creative energy
The lifelong process of learning and exploring values and beliefs, navigate relationships, and manage sexual health.
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Nobody should judge you based on a number or slut shame/prude shame, as long as all that happens is truly your decision and you are safe.
Many people look back and realize that some of their experiences were the result of coercion and manipulation.
Unfortunately, sexual coercion has become so normalized that we stopped being able to identify it as rape, coerced consent is not consent at all.
It can be difficult to explain coercion to someone who thinks that coercion is ok, they might deny what they did, perhaps only to get away with it and convince you that they did not know any better, perhaps because they don't want to see themselves as a rapist.
A rapist can be a person of any sex or gender.
For sex positive consent look at this checklist:
- Do you trust each other?
- Do you feel safe together?
- Can you talk about your problems and feel heard?
- Can you talk if something is bothering you?
- Do you listen to each other?
- Do you talk about having sex and what it means to you or what you want?
- Can you talk openly about what you want out of the relationship and your boundaries?
- Birth control, if it is heterosex, have you discussed this?
- Health status, are there any concerns that you need to share?
- STI testing, and if there has been recent possible exposure to an STI.
- Sexual activity level, if you want a monogamous relationship, or they want multiple partners, it is ok to have any form of agreement as long as all parties involved are informed and feel that their decisions are respected.
- Do you feel you need to have alcohol or drugs to have sex?
- Do you know how to use condoms and dental dams to prevent STIs?
- Do you both want to do it? Do you both feel ready to do it?
- Is anybody pressuring anybody?
- All partners need to have equal say in what is going on.
- An equal share of power and control in the relationship.
Consent is vital
- Sex without consent is rape
- Sexual contact without consent is assault or rape
- Rape is not something that necessarily/or usually happens with a stranger
- It is usually very subtle and starts with someone that you know and trust, we think of it as violent or physically restraining.
- A "friend" might objectify you and see you as a toy or person that is just there for sexual gratification.
- Your feelings and values might not matter to them at all, they are not a real friend :(.
- There could be an unfortunate lack of empathy, recognizing this can be painful, also lifesaving.
- It can be inappropriate touching that activates a natural body response, if you did not want this to begin with it can be confusing and make you wonder if you want it now.
- Listen to yourself to reflect on your intent in the interaction, if you were not interested in sex then you might be experiencing manipulation or coercion.
- The perpetrator may use pressure manipulation, drugs, alcohol, and force, or "seduction" to get the person to cross the boundaries of the relationship.
- Is essential, not a favor, or a sign of a particularly good person
- Sex is never owed, it does not matter if you have had sex before, if the bought you a gift or dinner, even if you are naked.
- You always have the right to revoke consent, a healthy partner will respect this
- If you feel that the relationship has changed, it needs to be ok to have a conversation about what changes you have noticed without feeling shamed or invalidated
Things a rapist might say
- Let's Netflix and Chill
- Let's play videogames at my house
- Let's watch a movie
- Let's study in my dorm
- Let's go on a trip somewhere
- Can I walk you to your car? (and the cross your boundaries)
- Let's walk to the party, it is not so far, leave your car here.
- I need to get something from my room real quick, want to come?
- I invited you to a party, but I did not invite anyone else
To justify rape/ coercion
- One thing led to another
- Once I start I can't stop
- I can't kiss someone without wanting more
- I am just seducing you
- Some people just have a stronger sex drive
- Don't you like being dominated?
- This is my role in the relationship
- I thought "no" meant yes
- People don't usually mean it when they say "no"
- You led me on by dancing
- You led me on by making eye contact
- You led me on by dressing that way
- The way that you are dressed tells me that you want a certain kind of attention
- I will have blue balls if you don't help me
- Friends are supposed to be there for each other
- If you really cared, you would help me with my sexual needs
- If you are adults: "We are both adults aren't we" (being an adult does not mean you Automatically consent
- You are playing hard to get
- Are you always this sexually conservative?
- Are you a prude?
- You are a prude
- You are uptight
- You are close minded
- Oh, you're one of those
- I am not used to having to work this hard
- Don't make me make you
- Accepting your no, and then asking again
- "So, that is why people have had to rape you"
- I did not know it was wrong
- You call that rape?
- This is not rape and you must be traumatized by a previous experience or story. (if you feel violated there is a reason)
- I feel so ashamed I thought I was better
- You are not allowed to bring it up again.
- I did not know I was like this, you brought out this side of me
- Telling you that they are sad and need your support
- I thought you wanted it too
- Am I really that ugly or unattractive?
- This is the only way I know how to get sex.
- People who are rejected often resort to this because they have needs.
- Did you not like the sex?
- Do you still think I'm cute?
- I thought we were friends, that is what friends do for each other.
- I feel rejected
- I was taught that this was normal
- This is all I know
- I did not mean to hurt you but I will say sorry anyways just because I care about you
- I did nothing wrong, I was just following my heart, but if it means anything, sorry
- There is nothing wrong with two people who consent to engage in sexual activity (even though you are trying to communicate about how it was not consent)
- I won't do it again
- I did it with a lot of love
- I can see why people have had to rape you
If you want to leave them because they raped you
- You are overreacting
- You're so sensitive
- This is a natural need, you are here to fulfill that need
- That is all it takes to lose you?
- You don't know how to love if you are willing to break up with someone that easily.
- It was just one time
- Everyone deserves a second chance
- Most people don't speak out about this
- Most people would stay
- Insults and name calling
- Threats to spread rumors about you
- Saying that you actually raped them
There are many other things that can go into these lists.
The abusive behavior generally escalates, you don't deserve any level of abuse and don't owe anyone an explanation.
In a healthy relationship all people involved are free to go at any time and don't owe an explanation.
If you give someone another chance, nobody can blame you if they continue to be abusive. If it was a learned behavior they can choose to change. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse.
Rape can happen to anyone, we do have some normalized phrases and attitudes that normalize the rape of women by men.
According to current statistics:
- One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives: https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
Rape is under reported due to shame, lack of consequences, and retaliation for reporting on behalf of the rapist.
Some people think that other people are just there to use for sex and prefer to keep them around as "friends" so they can use them whenever they want.
Since rape is about power and control, the rapist makes sure that they have a sense of power and control over the victim before raping, it could be reminding a woman that men are stronger to make sure that the woman believes that they cannot fight their way out of rape.
One can fight their way out of rape, and also, should never have to.
Younger generations are less likely to hear these "common phrases" regularly and are likely to be less prone to justifying rape as they grow up.
At this point we should all know better.
The myth of being "stuck in our ways" has been dismantled, people are constantly evolving, evaluating, and changing. We can change themselves, when we want to.
Examples of Rape Culture:
- Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
- Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
- Sexually explicit jokes
- Tolerance of sexual harassment
- Inflating false rape report statistics
- Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history
- Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television
- Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive
- Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive
- Pressure on men to “score”
- Pressure on women to not appear “cold”
- Assuming only promiscuous women get raped
- Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped
- Refusing to take rape accusations seriously
- Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape
why does this happen?
- Rape is not about love, it is about power and control, manipulation, and coercion.
- It is active oppression.
- You deserve to make decisions about sex on your own volition.
- Follow your intuition and trust yourself.
- Many abusive partners start the relationship with sexual coercion
- Getting away from a rapist may mean having to find new friends, or stay at home to avoid a dangerous person.
- Not all social circles accept rapists; a healthy community will talk to the rapist and refer them to resources such as articles about rape, most of the time the rapist is completely aware that what they are doing is wrong, a healthy community will ask rapists to go elsewhere and see if they can help survivors gather evidence, if possible.
- You deserve a safe community that cares about consent.
- It is not right for people to tell you that it is your job to set boundaries and tolerate the community rapist, people who say that are justifying rape and creating a community that is rapist friendly.
- So perhaps it is time to build a new community for people who do not want to tolerate rape or other forms of oppression.
- Create changes in the existing community
- People who experience more privilege, and are not the target of the rapist are the people who have the power to create change in their community.
- Empower men to foster healthy communities for women and vulnerable communities
- Empower cis-straight people to foster healthy community spaces for LGBT people
- People who say "just set boundaries" and tell people to "f off" usually experience privilege and are not the target of rapists, they are usually men who are blind to their privilege
- It is great to know how to set boundaries, if a person is a rapist then they are dangerous, the danger can escalate so it is not up to you to set boundaries to stay safe
- Nobody should be hurting you in any way
- Abusers benefit from victim blaming
- Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them.
- Culture is shaped by what we are taught to say in certain situations, most of the time we are programmed to say victim blaming things so reflecting on the things that are commonly said to survivors is very important.
There are many patterns, here are some examples:
- What did you expect?
- Did you drink?
- What did you wear?
- Had you consented before?
- Men get these biological urges to rape, they just can’t help themselves.
- The victim did not say no (sometimes people freeze)
- Why didn't you just walk away? (the violence could escalate if you try to get away)
- Why didn't you fight or use pepper spray? (maybe you thought you could trust them not to rape you)
- Why did you go to that place?
- Why are you hanging out at a bar or club?
- Why are you hanging out with people that have tattoos?
- Why are you hanging out with people that dress like that?
- That has not happened to me.
- You are attracting abusers
- You manifest your own reality and are attracting abusers.
- If you had not thought about this you would not have manifested it.
- You have "the look".
- You look easy to take advantage of.
- If you warn people about this rapist, you are violating their privacy.
- The victim’s parents should have taught him/her warning signs.
- The victim should have known what he/she was getting him/herself into.
- In cases of underage perpetrators: The rapist is only a child him/herself.
Saying these things propagates abuse and helps abusers.
Laws that appear to encourage rape
For the sake of basic human dignity.
It is up to us to not rape, and to dismantle normalized dynamics of oppression.
Headline: Men Legally Allowed to Finish Sex Even If Woman Revokes Consent, NC Law States.
North Carolina is the one state where the law explicitly says you cannot revoke consent once it's given.
Unfortunately this passed in 2017
"only harms that constitute a felony or misdemeanor crime may be called domestic violence."
2019 change in the definition of sexual assault:
The term “sexual assault” means any nonconsensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
examples of Sexually Transmitted Infection Symptoms
The first STIs covered are bacterial, except HPV and Herpes,
those are viral
Chlamydia (bacterial, can be resistant to antibiotics)
Symptoms for chlamydia can take a while to show, safe sex is the key to protecting yourself against chlamydia infection.
Symptoms can include:
- Rapid weight loss.
- Recurring fever or profuse night sweats.
- Extreme and unexplained tiredness.
- Prolonged swelling of the lymph glands in the armpits, groin, or neck.
- Diarrhea that lasts for more than a week.
- Sores of the mouth, anus, or genitals.
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Prevention is usually through barrier methods such as condoms and through getting tested before sex and looking for signs of an std on the person before sex
- STDs can be transferred through contact with bodily fluid
- Also skin to skin contact
- A bacteria can be transferred from a leg or abdomen
- A condom will not cover the entire area, there are new devices such as shorts that try to create a barrier method that covers more of the body.
- A person can touch an infected area and then transfer the bacteria or virus to another part of their body, or someone else's body
- A bacteria or virus can travel inside the person's body and affect other body parts or organs
this information is not meant to scare you
awareness is the key to healthy decision making and
can help you live a long healthy life,
you can also educate your peers
Medical hiv prevention and medication
- Pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is a way for people who do not have HIV but who are at substantial risk of getting it to prevent HIV infection by taking a pill every day
- The pill (brand name Truvada) contains two medicines (tenofovir and emtricitabine) that are used in combination with other medicines to treat HIV.
- When someone is exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use, these medicines can work to keep the virus from establishing a permanent infection.
When taken consistently, PrEP has been shown to reduce the risk of HIV infection in people who are at high risk by up to 92%. PrEP is much less effective if it is not taken consistently.
antiretroviral drugs for people starting HIV treatment
The World Health Organization (WHO) has recommended a combination of antiretroviral drugs for people starting HIV treatment:
- TDF (tenofovir)
- either 3TC (lamivudine) or FTC (emtricitabine)
- and EFV (efavirenz).
Nucleoside/Nucleotide Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors (NRTIs)
- Abacavir, or ABC (Ziagen)
- Didanosine, or ddl (Videx)
- Emtricitabine, or FTC (Emtriva)
- Lamivudine, or 3TC (Epivir)
- Stavudine, or d4T (Zerit)
- Tenofovir alafenamide, or TAF (Vemlidy)
- Tenofovir disoproxil fumarate, or TDF (Viread)
we have good reason to want to know people on a deeper level before we become more intimately involved
Safe LGBT Sex Information
identify ways you already support your friends
- Think of the important friends in your life
- List the ways you support each of them
Offer support that empowers
- Help your friends improve at a skill you may be good at
- Let your friends teach you or help you with something
Be an active listener
- Show that you understand and care about your friend's problems
- Be empathetic, not judgmental
- Don't offer advice unless your friend asks for feedback
- Be constructive by helping your friend look beyond the current situation for possible solutions
Ask your friends for support
- Let your friends know what you need from them
- Make a list of how you would like to be supported by your friends
- Show appreciation when a friend does something nice for you
Encourage friends to ask you for support
- Ask your friends if you can help them
- Offer suggestions for how you might help
- Follow through on what you say you will do
Define the boundaries of friendship that work for you
cycle of violence, it can start with small stuff
It can be part of an unhealthy work dynamic, friendship, or romantic partnership.
- Gets you to do something you did not want to do
- Asks you something inappropriate that they would not ask in front of other people
- Yelling at you or insulting you
- Use of a weapon, or throwing something at you
- Causing injury, physical or emotional
- Destroying possessions or taking something without your permission
- Asks for forgiveness
- Says they will not do it again
- Makes promises, especially unsolicited promises
- Is affectionate, gives excessive compliments
- Denies the abuse happened or that they will take responsibility even though they didn't really do anything
- Picks a fight or tries to start an argument
- Acts jealous or possessive
- Ignores you/ gives you the cold shoulder and pretends that they are not doing it
- Criticizes or threatens, makes you feel bad, maybe tells you that you smell bad
- Appears to have unpredictable mood swings
- Isolates you from others
- Says things to you that nobody else is aware of
They might manipulate you into having sex, thinking that they care about you, and want a long term relationship.
They then deny ever suggesting that you were anything other than friends.
They might pretend that the sex never happened, but expect you to still be ok with being friends, just as you were before the incident, this is a form of rape.
This can lead a person to feel uncomfortable in the environment they usually hang out it in and can lead to a sense of isolation and silencing.
This behavior is normalized in some social settings, it is ok to speak up and let others know how you feel about the situation, they might ignore you, but you gave them a chance to listen to a different perspective.
Hopefully they have learned ways to be supportive.
We cannot change abusers, we can only stay away from them, and set boundaries if we need to be near them, it is not our job to monitor the boundaries, we can only do our best and hope for the best.
People do abusive things for a sense of power and control, sometimes power and control are maintained via privilege dynamics.
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We have peace when power is shared.
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what is overdose?
Accidental drug overdose is currently the leading cause of death in the United States for those under 50.
THE DANGERS OF mixing ALCOHOLIC DRINKS AND XANAX
The Autonomic Nervous System sends a signal to your body to breathe without you having to think about it, if this gets shut down, you forget to breathe/ can't send a signal from your brain to your body that says "breathe".
These medications cause the messages being sent through the body by the nervous system to slow down in one way or another.
Slowing down the CNS results in the following:
- Slowed cognitive function
- Slowed heart rate and breathing
- Decreased anxiety
- Decreased coordination
It is important to follow the prescribed dose and medical instruction for these medications because they are powerful opioids and benzos.
Two of the most common opioid painkillers are Vicodin, which is a combination of hydrocodone and acetaminophen, and oxycodone, which is found in prescription medications like Percocet and OxyContin.
Benzodiazepines are a family of medications that are prescribed to treat anxiety, alcohol withdrawal, muscle spasms, and seizures. They induce relaxation in the central nervous system and allow muscles to relax.
Two of the most commonly prescribed benzodiazepines are Xanax (alprazolam) and Valium (diazepam).
Benzodiazepines are a class of psychoactive drugs.
Benzos work to calm or sedate a person, by raising the level of the inhibitory neurotransmitter GABA in the brain.
The body responds by reducing the neuroreceptors so it is common to need a higher dose to get the same effect.
Signs of overdose:
- Trouble breathing or inability to breathe.
- Fear of not being able to breathe.
- Bluish fingernails and lips.
- Confusion and disorientation.
- Extreme dizziness.
- Blurred vision or double vision.
- Uncoordinated muscle movements.
- Profoundly altered mental status.
Over 30,000 people die this way every year!
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Narcan/ Naloxone can help with some forms of overdose, particularly heroin/opiods
ANy behavior that creates a lack of peace is unhealthy behavior
If your partner is repeatedly crossing your boundaries, they aren’t willing to discuss boundaries with you, or you notice that your partner is guilt-tripping you for even having boundaries, your relationship is likely very unhealthy and could become abusive if your partner’s behaviors continue and escalate.
What is abuse?
- Abuse can come from friends or coworkers,not necessarily someone that you are in a relationship with.
- Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.
Signs/ Red FLags
- Tells you that you can never do anything right
- Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
- Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
- Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
- Controls every penny spent in the household
- Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
- Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
- Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
- Prevents you from making your own decisions
- Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
- Prevents you from working or attending school
- Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
- Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
- Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
- Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
- Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
- Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
- Hurting you with weapons
- Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
- Harming your children
- Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
- Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
- Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)
- Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
- Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
- Trying to isolate you from family or friends
- Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
- Demanding to know where you are every minute
- Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
- Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
- Punishing you by withholding affection
- Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
- Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
- Humiliating you in any way
- Blaming you for the abuse
- Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
- Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
- Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
- Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
- Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
- Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
- Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
- Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
- Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
- Holding you down during sex
- Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
- Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
- Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
- Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
- Forcing you to watch pornography
- Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you
Sexual coercion lies on the ‘continuum’ of sexually aggressive behavior. It can vary from being egged on and persuaded, to being forced to have contact. It can be verbal and emotional, in the form of statements that make you feel pressure, guilt, or shame. You can also be made to feel forced through more subtle actions. For example, an abusive partner: Even if your partner isn’t forcing you to do sexual acts against your will, being made to feel obligated is coercion in itself. Dating someone, being in a relationship, or being married never means that you owe your partner intimacy of any kind.
- Making you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
- Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions
- Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
- Reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
- Continuing to pressure you after you say no
- Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
- Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man”
- Reproductive Coercion
- Financial Abuse
- Digital Abuse
Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
Reproductive coercion can be exerted in many ways:
- Refusing to use a condom or other type of birth control
- Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
- Lying about their methods of birth control (ex. lying about having a vasectomy, lying about being on the pill)
- Refusing to “pull out” if that is the agreed upon method of birth control
- Forcing you to not use any birth control (ex. the pill, condom, shot, ring, etc.)
- Removing birth control methods (ex. rings, IUDs, contraceptive patches)
- Sabotaging birth control methods (ex. poking holes in condoms, tampering with pills or flushing them down the toilet)
- Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
- Monitoring your menstrual cycles
- Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
- Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
- Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
- Continually keeping you pregnant (getting you pregnant again shortly after you give birth)
Reproductive coercion can also come in the form of pressure, guilt and shame from an abusive partner. Some examples are if your abusive partner is constantly talking about having children or making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them — especially if you already have kids with someone else.
Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner:
- Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
- Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
- Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
- Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
- Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
- Stealing money from you or your family and friends
- Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
- Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
- Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
- Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine
Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:
- Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on Facebook and other sites.
- Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, DMs or other messages online.
- Uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, foursquare and others to keep constant tabs on you.
- Puts you down in their status updates.
- Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return.
- Pressures you to send explicit videos.
- Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
- Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished.
- Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.
- Tags you unkindly in pictures on Instagram, Tumblr, etc.
- Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you
You never deserve to be mistreated, online or off. Remember:
- Your partner should respect your relationship boundaries.
- It is ok to turn off your phone. You have the right to be alone and spend time with friends and family without your partner getting angry.
- You do not have to text any pictures or statements that you are uncomfortable sending, especially nude or partially nude photos, known as “sexting.”
- You lose control of any electronic message once your partner receives it. They may forward it, so don’t send anything you fear could be seen by others.
- You do not have to share your passwords with anyone.
- Know your privacy settings. Social networks such as Facebook allow the user to control how their information is shared and who has access to it. These are often customizable and are found in the privacy section of the site. Remember, registering for some applications (apps) require you to change your privacy settings.
- Be mindful when using check-ins like Facebook Places and foursquare. Letting an abusive partner know where you are could be dangerous. Also, always ask your friends if it’s ok for you to check them in. You never know if they are trying to keep their location secret.
- You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your relationship, even online.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.